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“Why don’t you have any sales going on?”

“Why don’t you take your cheap ass back to Marshall’s where it belongs?”

“Let me speak to your manager.”

“Hey, if you wanna be told the same shit in a different voice, I do a really good Jack Nicholson.”

Do you have this patio set in a different color?
Yeah but fuck you its on the top shelf and I’m not getting a ladder. Eat a dick old lady.

“What!? Why is that your policy?!”

“To fuck with you, specifically. We do it differently for everyone else.”

*burns stack of expired coupons in front of customer*

“This food is dry and gross.”

“I thought I would serve food based on the customer today.”

*customer walks in 5 minutes to close with a trolley*

*me, screaming like a Banshee* FUCK OOOOOFFFFFFFFF

“There’s a hair in my food.” 

There’s a bitch in my restaurant. We all gotta deal.”

Don't be the product, buy the product!